Stan Marsh is Gay?
by the lie written in ink
Summary: When Stan's dad walks in and finds male on male porn on his computer, completely disregarding the fact Cartman sent some sort of porn virus through email and Stan was the victim, he sends him to some camp that's supposed to make gay people straight.HIATUS
1. In which Cartman sends a porn virus

**WARNING:** This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.  
Thank you and enjoy. :D

* * *

Frankly, I don't know what was going through Cartman's head when he sent the virus. Actually, half the time I didn't even know if that retard had a brain. I think he just talked out of his ass.

But either way, whether he was really a genius putting up the front of an idiot or simply mentally ill, I hated him all the way to the day I die. I tolerated him mostly and we didn't fight as much as he and Kyle did, so I really don't know why he did it.

I was supposed to be getting ready for Kyle's party, but I checked my e-mail first instead, just in case. I scrolled through the messages, eye wandering to a specific message from Cartman. I was both weary and curious, since Cartman never used his e-mail address.

Slowly, I clicked on it. Once it opened my computer was covered in gay porn.

I couldn't help my reaction; I screamed. Loudly. I fell off my chair, staring at my computer in horror, at a loss of how I should react. I shook, gaped, and finally I grew smart again. Footsteps pounded closer to my room and I frantically dove to my computer, trying to exit out or turn off my computer. I sighed, relieved when the screen went black.

"Oh, Stanley," my mother moaned in agony, and I mentally decided I would personally murder Eric Cartman, because I was too late and my parents saw it all.

I spun to face them, eyes wide and desperate, lips numb with words I couldn't speak, throat aching with the longing to explain. My dad looked both upset and angry, and his eyes burned into my skull. I swear he melted my brain with it.

"No, it's not…" I stumbled on my tongue.

"Stanley," my mother wept. My father shook his head.

"I can't believe I have a gay kid!"

"I'm not gay!" I instinctively defended myself. My mother stuffed her fist in her mouth and my father's eyebrow creased into a line of disconcert.

"I guess we hafta handle it like the Scotch family did, only one up," he mumbled to my mom, rubbing her back. She took a breath and rubbed her eyes, looking at me sadly. Again, I was in too much shock of what just happened to say anything.

"There's a camp the local church is hosting for three months over summer," my dad said. "It's where they try to coax the gay outta kids, pretty much."

Which was utterly ridiculous, but my tongue felt too thick to move.

"It's decided," he said, and left my room. I stood there, stunned, and then slowly looked at my computer before rage slowly built up in my chest. I grabbed my pillow and threw it at the computer screen, yelling out in anger, then grabbed my bag and stormed out of the house to Kyle's party.

Kyle greeted me with an obliviously happy face when I arrived early. Once he saw my face though, his expression fell and he let me walk in. I mutely followed him to his room before I threw my bag across the room, watching it hit his wall and fall to the floor. Kyle winced at the loud noise it emitted.

"Stan…"

"My parents think I'm fucking gay!" I shouted. "And it's all Cartman's fault! He sent me a fucking gay porn virus! Can you believe that!? A gay porn virus! Now I hafta waste my summer with a bunch of real gay kids! I don't wanna be butt raped, Kyle! I really don't!"

Kyle stared at me as I clawed through my hair, snorting through my nose like a bull and curling my toes in anger until I felt blood soak through my socks as my toenails ripped.

"Holy shit, dude," he said. I fell on his bed, trying to calm down.

"Yeah," I said through gritted teeth, "holy shit."

He sat on his bed, unsure. I looked at him then his wall, hands behind my head.

"But you're not really…?"

"WHA!?" I bolted upright. "No, man! Was that a joke? I just told you what happened!"

He held up his hands. "Sorry, sorry."

I clenched my jaw and forced myself to calm down again. "I'll kill that bastard."

"Well, summer is already here, when do you go?" Kyle asked, worried. I rubbed my temple.

"I dunno. I know for sure I'll be hauled outta here soon though. I'm probably like, grounded or something."

Kyle's eyebrow rose. "For being gay?"

"GOD DAMNIT KYLE!" I roared, tackling him. "STOP SAYING THAT! I'M STRAIGHT! I LIKE BOOBS, NOT DICKS!"

Kyle's eyes, wide and perplexed, stared at me as I gripped his shoulder and pressed him against the floor of his room, panting, red-faced, and pissed. He rolled his eyes at me as if I was a child throwing a tantrum and he was just there to listen.

I swear God hates me, because the door swung open and Kyle's mother screamed.

"STANLEY MARSH! DON'T SEXUALLY HARASS KYLE!" my father hollered, yanking me off a now-snickering Kyle, who hid it by chewing on his green glove, averting his gaze from me and hiding his smile. Fuck him.

"I wasn't!" I shouted as he dragged me out of the room. "Kyle, tell him!"

By then I was already out of the house and half-way home. My dad's grip was firm and angry, so I mutely followed, head hung and defeated. Fine, I'd go to the stupid gay camp thing and play along so I could go back to normal. It was that simple.

My dad shoved me in the house and slammed the door shut.

"It's worse than I thought," he said in his dramatic voice. "He tried to rape Kyle."

"I DID NOT!"

"Oh no," my mom said, miserable, covering her mouth. "Oh Stanley."

"Stop," I said, but my voice was weak, defeated. "God, you're all fucking idiots…"

My dad didn't hear me because he was pulling out a pamphlet from his back pocket and making 'tsk' noises, eyes gazing at me in what looked like disappointment.

"It's decided," he said. The next thing he said sent my world crashing down. "We're sending you tomorrow morning."


	2. In which Stan throws a shoe

**WARNING:** This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.  
Thank you and enjoy. :D

* * *

Once upon a time my life was nice. But, like every story, there was conflict. Mine happened to be everyone in South Park thinking I'm gay. That includes my girlfriend Wendy who I didn't even have to talk to; I knew she wanted to end it. Actually she sent BeBe, but still, I guess I knew it would happen eventually.

Thankfully, the good thing about leaving the next morning was that I didn't have to face the wrath of Cartman who I knew would give me hell. He knew what he did, and he knew damn well I'm not gay. Knowing him, it wouldn't matter; he'd still give me crap about it.

Anyway, the drive was silent. My dad didn't look at me and I didn't look at him, knowing if I spoke it wouldn't help anyway. The drive was oddly short and we were at the camp within twenty minutes at the most. I slid out of the car and watched my dad silently open the trunk, grab my bags, then throw at me and run to the car.

"What the hell dad!" I shouted as he slammed the door shut.

"If I touch you or get too close, I may catch the gay from you!" he shouted through the window, completely serious.

"That's retarded dad!" I shouted as he drove off, not bothering to look back. I glared before picking up my bags and heading to the camp, annoyed. It was like any other cabin-camp-thing, except it was called "Revival Camp: we turn fags into cool ppl." Seriously, who made that dumb title? I frowned, annoyed as I walked into the camp, passing under the sign and nearly colliding with one of the counselors. I knew she was one because of the uniform, resembling a Target uniform, and had a nametag. Susie. O-kay. It fit her; she had blonde hair in a soccer-player-styled ponytail and pale skin. She even had the annoying grin.

"You must be Stan!"

"How did you know that?" I asked wearily. Her brown eyes swam with a creepy kind of look.

"We know all," she said, a bit dark. She quickly brightened again and took my bags. "Come, come, follow me to your cabin!"

I grumbled but followed behind her, arms crossed. She opened one of the first cabins and stepped in, setting my bags on the bottom bunk of one of the bunk beds in there. There were only two anyway.

"Guys, you have a new roommate. This is Stan Marsh, and he came to become _normal_."

The guy on the bed above mine sat up. He had like, flaming red hair. It looked surreal, the kind of red he had, and his eyes were bright blue. He didn't _look_ gay. Well, except his shirt, which was a bit too tight and was the same color as Wendy's hat.

The other two were on the bottom bunk, sweaty and nervous. I could only guess what they had been doing before we arrived. One had blonde hair and brown eyes with freckles on his nose. He wore a soccer uniform, which that in itself was strange. The other one wore a winter hat and black scarf, his dark hair hidden under his grey hat, grey eyes firm on me as I stood there awkwardly next to Susie.

"Yo," the red-head suddenly said. I looked up at him. "I'm Gregory."

"Ah, uhm, er, I'm, uh…" the freckled boy stammered, suddenly shaking. The boy next to him rubbed his shoulder and he relaxed.

"He's Ray," the black-haired boy said calmly. "I'm West. Nice to meet you."

"Uh, hi," I said. I've never met a real gay person before. Well, other than Mr. Garrison…and Butters, if he counts.

"Well, I'll leave you all to get acquainted," Susie said with a grin, turning and prancing off. I watched her go, suddenly very nervous. I headed to my bed and sat down, opening my first bag and pouring my clothes on my bed. I could feel three pairs of eyes on me.

"You know, you replaced Dan," West suddenly said. "He killed himself a week ago."

I paused.

"I hear that bed is cursed, and you'll kill yourself soon too the same way…kicking a beehive…." West said ominously. I ignored him.

"Don't listen to him," Gregory said, poking his head to smile at me. "He's just jealous because Dan got away from this place."

"Pft," was his reply. "Whatever. Now, where were we, Ray?"

Ray giggled. My eyes went wide and I quickly looked away when I saw them lean in. Gregory saw my reaction and laughed.

"Aren't they not supposed to do that? I mean, this camps supposed to make them normal right?" I said as I folded my clothes nervously, their sloppy kissing noises making me want to throw up. Gregory tilted his head.

"A lot of people end up with their bunk mates," he said, smiling in a way that made me sick.

"Uh, I'm straight," I said quickly, fumbling through my bag. I found what I was looking for and pulled out a picture of me and Wendy hugging, smiling at the camera. "See? That's my girlfriend Wendy. Girlfriend. Wendy. Yeah. Not gay. This was just a misunderstanding and my dad being an idiot."

Well, it wasn't a complete lie. Wendy may have broken up with me but I haven't with her. So HA.

Gregory blinked at me.

"I'll be out of here in no time," I said confidentially. His face suddenly looked guarded.

"Uh, that's not gonna happen Stan," he said, disappearing from my view. I went back to unpacking. "Y'see, once people come here, they never leave…"

"Uh?" I looked up but he still wasn't there.

"Oh. Well."

I waited but Gregory didn't continue.

"Mmm, Westttt, ahh, ohh~"

I clenched my teeth then grabbed my shoe and threw it at the two boys.

"AH! SHIT! OW!"

"WEST! ARE YOUR OKAY!?"

I looked over and saw West glaring at me.

"YOU BITCH!" he screamed, lunging off the bed. I blinked as he advanced toward me, hand raised…in a slapping position. I blinked. What the fuck?

"West, no!" Ray wailed. "You'll kill someone one day, man! Don't do it!"

"….." I blinked dully as he wiggled his raised hand.

"I'll do it, bitch!" he said. "I really will! Leave us the hell alone, got it?"

I promptly threw my toothpaste right in his face.

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAH_!"

He threw himself on me and slapped my across the cheek. I blinked, looked at him slowly, and threw my clenched fist back, swinging it forward and punching him right in his jaw.

"Holy shit, dude," Gregory said in awe.

"WEST!" Ray wailed, running to him in a girly way that made me smirk. He kneeled next to the stunned boy and glared at me.

"You hurt him!"

"Uh, no, really? Did the blood give it away?" I asked sarcastically. Silence.

"Well," West said as blood dripped from his split lip. He cleared his throat. "I guess we have to finish outside, Ray."

Ray used his thumb to brush West's bloody lip, and when I saw this I threw my DS at him.

"WAH! OKAY WE'RE LEAVING!" Ray wailed, running off with a sniffling West. I watched them go, stretched, let out a satisfied streth, and lay down on my bed.

"Well, I feel better."

Silence.

"Uh, so," Gregory said slowly. I looked over at the wall and saw the crappy TV on the wall near the corner of the cabin turned on. "Wanna watch ice skating?"

He really was gay. I rolled my eyes and stretched again, suddenly tired.

"Naw, let's watch some wrestling. Or maybe Terrance and Phillip is on."

Silence.

"Holy shit, you _are_ straight."


	3. In which Stan makes a friend and fucks

**WARNING:** This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.  
Thank you and enjoy. :D

* * *

You wanna know something? I kind of liked camping. Not this kind of camp though; I hated the whole cabin thing. Seriously, it wasn't really camping unless we slept in tents and had to use sticks to fend of Bigfoot and bears and one time, an alien.

Not this sort of camp where your bunk mate has a crush on you. This kind of camp sucks.

I knew Gregory liked me because he kept complimenting me and staring at me when I wasn't looking, all through the rest of the night before we went to bed. I think maybe me punching West made him like me. It was weird, having a guy like you. Gross, actually. Awkward. I was used to being comfortable around guys, being able to wrestle and hang out without anything awkward happening. But no, I didn't dare even touch Gregory or anyone in fear they might…well, you know.

I did _not _want to be raped in the ass. Seriously.

Anyway, West and Ray didn't come back until I woke up the next morning. West's lips was swollen and he looked all sulky while Ray tended to his every need like the sissy he is. Are all gay people this stupid? God.

"Stan, breakfast, OH SHIT!" Gregory screamed at the door, gaping at me. I was in the middle of pulling my shirt off to get changed; totally forgetting this was a fucking _gay_ camp.

"Oh, shit, dude….uh, I'll be there in a minute," I hastily pulled my shirt down. Gregory drooled, eyes wide, staring at my chest. "I'M STILL STRAIGHT. GO EAT."

He shied away, mumbling something as he wiped drool from his lip. God, were all gays like animals? See one guy without a shirt on and they turn into mindless zombies. At least he didn't attack me or something. I shuddered at the thought.

I got changed and headed to the breakfast hall, wincing when I stepped in. So…many…gays. Seriously. Some even looked gay; hairstyle, ear-pierced, tight-pants, pink shirt and all. They even had fucking lisps. Dude. No.

I sat down at a table with some normal-looking guys. One was like a jock; buzz-cut blonde hair and broad shoulders, tall and fit. The boy next to him had rusty-brown hair and green eyes that shot up to me when I sat down.

"Can I sit here?"

The jock-guy nodded silently. The smaller boy twitched, hastily rubbing the top of his head.

"I'm Ken," he blurted out. "Hi! Hi! I'm Ken!"

"Uh…" I leaned away. "Yeah. Okay. I got that."

"What's your name?" he eye twitched. "What is it? Huuuh?"

God, he reminded me of Tweek, only creepier. "Stan…"

"Stan! Stan! Okay!" he shouted to the ceiling.

"Sorry about him," the jock said. "He takes these weird pills that his parents gave him. His doctor said they'd help contain his gay…genes…"

"….." God, were all adults this retarded? I sighed, suddenly regretting sitting down there. But it beats sitting with Gregory and the others.

"Yeah, well," I replied, poking my muffin, which didn't look edible. I wasn't hungry anyway. "What about you?"

"Me?" the jock said. "Oh, ah, I'm Jason."

That wasn't what I meant, but I shrugged anyway. "Cool."

I fell silent as Jason began to eat and Ken tried to but kept spasming, causing his food to fly off the table and spill all over the place. I kind of felt bad for him. Jason seemed to care for him since he kept calmly cleaning it up or wiping his mouth, or even giving him food when Ken's flew away. Ken calmed down a bit and managed two bites of his eggs before he screamed and threw his arms up, sending his plate flying onto the floor.

"GAH! SHIT!" he screeched, leaping to his feet, stumbling backward, away from the table. "I SUDDENLY THOUGHT OF A DICK!"

I blinked. "What the hell?"

"AND IN MY MENTAL IMAGE, IT WAS," he wailed, "IN MY—"

Jason calmly stabbed his leg with some in kind of stick. I think it was a tranquilizer. Ken sighed, almost dreamily, and withered back in his seat with a soft 'mm' kind of noise that didn't sound as weird at it should've. I gaped.

"Dude," I said. "Shit."

"Eh," he said. "I bought it when I first met Ken."

I kind of smiled. "You can buy those?"

"Apparently," Jason said. "It cost like, ten bucks."

"Really?" I blinked. "I need that for Cartman."

"Who?"

"Eh, my fatass of a friend who likes tormenting others," I grumbled. "He's why I'm here."

"He is?" his eyebrows quirked and I felt sick again.

"EW! GOD NO!" I yelped. "No, no, not like that! I meant he sent some weird gay porn virus and my dad misunderstood and sent me here!"

Jason's eyes widened. "Really? So you're straight?"

I nodded. He looked so relieved I was kind of confused.

"You see," he explained before I could ask, "I'm straight too. My friend, not Ken but someone else, made a move on me right when my mom walked in."

"Ouch," I winced in sympathy. He shivered.

"Yeah. Ouch. Before I could gather what happened, I was here," he swept his arm across all the boys eating. "I thought I was the only one."

"That sucks," I agreed. "It doesn't help my bunkmate likes me. It's gross."

"Dude, that _does_ suck," Jason said.

"Th's whut heeeeee saaaaaaid," Ken gurgled from where he was slumped against the table, looking as if he were drunk. "HEE HEEE HEEE HEEEEE."

"…."

"Uh," Jason said, "did I mention I slid in a liiiiittle bit of sleeping pills, to help calm him?"

I blinked. "That's dangerous."

"I know," he grinned proudly. "Hey, what activity do you have first?"

"They call them activities?" I raised my eyebrows. "They sound like classes to me."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, they make it sound fun. Although there are some actual activities, but most are dumb classes."

"Like 'how not to be gay' classes?" I said, amused. "Okay kids, today we're learning how to fuck a girl. Now, you insert your member, which should be aroused once she takes off her bra, and insert it in the front. Not the back. THE FRONT."

He laughed. "And remember kids, you rub her boobs, girls don't have dicks. They have boobs. The bigger the better."

I snickered. "If only."

"Ha, the actual classes aren't much better," Jason said.

"I thought they were activities."

"Whatever," he said. "Come on, breakfast is over."

I stood and followed him, over the moon to have found another straight guy in a camp full of gay kids. What are the odds? He was cool, too.

"Oh, right," I said. Jason turned to me. "I remember. I have Activity 3 first. Whatever that means."

"You have that with me," he said. "You're gonna love it."

"Am I, now?" I asked wearily. He grinned at my expression.

"Yes. It resembles our conversation just now."

I snorted, trying not to laugh. He led me to a large area where several cabins were set up in a circle labeled 'Activity (blank)', whatever activity it was. We went into the third log building and took a seat. It really did look like a classroom, minus the regular walls and floor and stuff. The teacher, or whatever they call them here, happened to be little miss Susie.

"Okay, everyone," she said in a chipper voice. "I'm taking over for Hank today because he's a little under the weather. I'll just follow what he gave me."

She took a sheet out and hopped around the room, setting up. She popped in a video into a TV that was in front of the room and Jason nudged me with his elbow. I could tell.

"They show _porn_ here?"

"Yeah," Jason snickered. "They do."

"No shit," I breathed. I might actually like this place. She turned it on and an image popped up. A blonde girl was straddling a naked man, and they were all at it, kidding and fondling and humping. I stared in awe, hard within minutes. I wished Wendy was there. She was good in bed, let me tell you…

Suddenly, the class freaked out. Boys looked away and groaned in disgust, some watched wearily, looking disturbed but fascinated. Jason and I were the only ones watching it in joy, all for it. Susie happily read a magazine at the desk as the woman's moans filled the rooms, mingled with my gay classmate's agonized noises of discontent.

"This is fucking awesome," I said. Watching porn without getting in trouble? Dude. Seriously. Jason only nodded slowly. Once the video was over I was itching, seriously, and had the urge to call Wendy. Maybe explain to her what was going on. Tell her how much I love her.

Fuck her like crazy when I get home.

Once Susie left to do something, I wasn't paying attention to what, the class chattered on about whatever. I turned to Jason and saw he stood and headed toward the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom," he said, and I knew what he meant. He left and I pulled my cell phone out, hastily dialing her number. I waited as it rang, perking up when she answered.

"Hello?"

"Wendy? It's Stan," I said. Silence.

"Stan…"

"Listen, let me explain," I said hastily. "I'm not gay, okay? Cartman sent a virus and dad walked in and saw it, and misunderstood. I love you, okay? I really do."

Silence.

"Stan…" she said softly. I heard shuffling next to her, making the phone buzz, and a voice.

"Who is it, babe?" I heard. I also heard Wendy's nervous intake of breath.

"_Clyde_?" I gasped. "What the fuck is Clyde doing there!?"

"Ah," she replied. "Well…"

"You whore!" I shouted, now pissed off. By then everyone in the class was looking at me but I didn't care. "A day after breaking up with me, you fuck Clyde!? It's like fourth grade all over again! You little shit! Forget it! I don't care anymore, go fuck all the boys you fucking please!"

"Stan!" she wailed. "Stop yelling! I still love you, but I love Clyde, and—"

"Don't tell me you've been with him before? While you were with me?"

She hesitated. "Stan…"

"Go to hell!"

I shoved my phone in my pocket and stormed out, my erection gone, replaced by sheer rage. I nearly collided with a girl walking back in my direction. I didn't bother apologizing but she stopped me and shoved me back, bright green eyes narrowed. I realized she looked my age. She resembled Wendy in a sense that she had the same small, fragile build but blazing, strong eyes that pulled you under.

"Why don't you apologize, dip wad?" she snapped. I blinked, startled.

"Excuse me?" I growled.

"My dad owns this place. If you piss me off, you piss him off," she snarled. Suddenly, the thoughts of how pretty she was and how I wanted to fuck her were gone. Except the fucking part. I was pissed, she was there, she was hot, and hell, I was horny.

She seemed to sense this and her expression shifted.

"You're not…gay, are you?" It wasn't a question. I shook my head.

"I knew it," she said. She pointed to my crotch. "No gay guy would get hard just by bumping into a girl and getting yelled at."

I blushed. "I just broke up with my girlfriend."

"And I care why?" she asked, annoyed. I blinked and she caught on. She hesitated, looking around, before stepping forward and grabbing my hand, dragging me off behind the bushes.

Usually, I used the term 'sex' or 'made love' when I did it with Wendy. But with this nameless girl, it was just angry. Hard. Passionate, rough. Surprisingly, she did a lot of the work and whenever I tried to do something she pushed me down and told me to stop moving or she'd rip my dick off. Oddly, that only excited me more.

Once we were done she calmly dressed, buttoning up her blouse as I slipped into my pants, my back to her. I turned when she cleared her throat.

"My names Delilah," she said. "…in case you wanted to know."

I didn't really care. She was just my angry sex.

"Hm," I said as I pulled my shirt on. She turned to me and blinked those eyes that reminded me so much of Wendy.

"And you?"

"Stan," I said. "Stan Marsh."

She clicked her tongue. "'Kay. See you later Stan."

"Sure," I said. She stood and dusted herself off before walking off, leaving me alone and satisfied in the bushes. I stepped out of the bushes and smoothed down my hair before putting my hat on and walking to my cabin. I suddenly felt too tired to go to my next activity.

When I stepped in I saw a horrifying, terrible sight. Let me say in the form of a math equation. Ray plus West plus horrifying miniature S&M machines equals SCARRED FOR LIFE.

Let's just say the small piece of that muffin I did eat was out of my stomach within moments.

Yeah.

Life really did suck.

* * *

**PS:** This chapter was longer than most and had very vulgar shit in it, BUT I WARNED YOU DIDN'T I? And don't fret, this isn't a romance fic. It's a friendship/funny fic, though not very funny....xD Haa. But Delilah plays a semi-big role in the story, so yeah.  
OMG. WHY DID I PUT TEH WENDY DRAMA IN? D:  
In the next chapter, Stan gets sexually harassed! :D

* * *


	4. In which Stan gets molested

**WARNING:** This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.  
Thank you and enjoy. :D

* * *

Instead of going to my activity, I headed to the lake. I remembered seeing it passing over toward the camp; I had ignored it then, but at that moment I longed to just sit there and watch the lake glitter and shimmer and….

Shit. Was gay rubbing off on me? Maybe dad wasn't as retarded as I thought.

I shook my head, sticking my chest out and walking as manly as I could. I couldn't lose my manly…ness. I had to win Wendy back when I got home and I couldn't do that if I came back longing for dicks instead of boobs. Well, maybe that was a bit much, but still, my thoughts earlier kind of scared me.

So, instead of going to the lake I headed over to the woods. Apparently we were going hiking tomorrow morning and I decided to explore a little before then and hopefully clear my head. I hummed slightly as I gazed around the trees I passed, reaching up to gently fix my hat. I looked around as I headed deeper, careful to stay on the path and know where it was I was going.

Eventually I stopped to rest against a tree, gently pulling my hat over my eyes to shield them from the sun filtering through the trees and into my eyes painfully. I parted my lips and breathed in, somewhat refreshed and calm. That is, until I heard something.

I was jerked to attention by loud rustling. Wide-eyed, I yanked my hat off, eyes shooting up toward the noise. I dropped my hat in shock.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

A giant fucking…HAIRY thing was right there. Bigfoot or sasquatch or whatever. He was tall, resembling a man, but was covered in dark brown fur. His eyes, just like human's, held mine. He smiled politely and I screamed.

"Why 'ello there, dear boy, do you—"

"GAAAAAAAH!" I yelled, jerking to my feet and whacking my head against the low branch of the tree painfully. "SHIT, THAT HURT!"

Worry flashed into creature's eyes.

"Are you okay?"

I held my head and looked at him. "….what?"

"I'm a trained doctor you know," he said proudly in some kind of British accent. "I studied at Harvard for four years."

"…." I gaped in reply.

"I also know five different languages, including French. Bonjour petit garcon!"

"You can talk?" I asked in awe, eyes wide. "Wait…you're not gonna eat me?"

His eyes snapped open wide and he held both hands up. "Dear heavens, no! I'm a vegetarian!"

"…." I blinked dully. "…..okay."

"You know, that's discrimination," he scolded, eyes now narrowed. "Not all of us eat humans and hunt animals then devour them slowly and painfully. Nope, not me. I adore little bunnies and humans make me laugh."

"Gahk," I gurgled, shocked and in pain. "Uhn, um….fuck."

He laughed and pointed a large hand at me. "See? Funny!"

"Uhn," I replied painfully, rubbing my throbbing head. "Right, whatever. I'm leaving now."

I turned and grabbed my hat, stuffing it in my pocket before I headed off. I grimaced when heavy, loud footsteps pounded after me.

"What?" I spun to him sharply, annoyed. He stumbled to a stop and smiled again.

"I have a request."

My eyebrow rose. "Oh, do you?"

"A-yup," he said. "Listen, I know you and your friends are hiking out here tomorrow, but, well…can you keep them away from the caves? My wife and the kids are sick."

My eye twitched. "….uh, okay….?"

He beamed. "THANK YOU!" his loud, happy voice made the earth and trees rumble. I cursed softly, glaring at him and waved my hand frantically.

"Dude, shut the hell up! Someone will hear you!"

"Oh my!" he giggled, covering his mouth. "I forget sometimes, y'know?"

My eye twitched again. "Bye," I turned and ran off, wondering why the hell the author put that bit in. Oh yeah, because she's a crazy bitch. Okay, okay, shut up Molly, I get it, you have a semi-plot. Geesh. Bitch.

I suddenly tripped over a rock, landing on my face hard. "Fine, I'll stop calling you a bitch! Bitch…"

A rock fell on my bruise from earlier.

"FUCK! OKAY SORRY!"

Ahem. Anyway. I stood, dusting myself off before I hurried out of the woods. I fixed my hat, whining softly at the pain that I felt. I jumped when my cell phone rang, grumbling as I pulled it out and flipped it open, pressing it to my ear impatiently.

"What?"

"Hm, weird way to greet your best friend," a familiar voice practical purred.

"Kyle?"

"Stan?"

"Kyle?"

"What?"

I blinked dully. "Why are you calling me?"

"Oh, I 'unno, wanted to see if you're straight yet."

"GOD DAMNIT KYLE, I TOLD YOU—"

"Okay, calm down," he snickered. "I was just messing with you. Man, you've been weird lately."

"That's because I'm being written by a fucking idiot of a fanfic wr—never mind. Anyway, how's Wendy? Still fucking that Clyde?"

Silence.

"Uhm," Kyle said. "Yeah, yeah she is. And half the guys in South Park."

"_What_?"

"Uhh, well, Kenny pranced in bragging about it then Cartman started laughing at you and talking shit about how you can't control your own girlfriend, so I told him to shut up then he called me a stupid Jew, so I—"

"Kyle!"

"Sorry. Anyway, I found out after your call with her she got so upset she started fucking random guys. Kenny, Token, Craig, Clyde of course, some side characters who have no names, and hell, she even threw herself all over Butters! Butters, for god sakes!"

"Butters?" I said in shock. Was Wendy really that upset?

"Well, of course he didn't get it…when she asked him if he wanted her, he started going on about his birthday or something. Dude, I seriously think he's gay."

"Enough about Butters," I snapped. "Listen, you have to do me a favor. Make sure no one else gets with Wendy."

I could practically feel Kyle's incredulous look. "What?"

"Just do it," I sighed. "Listen…I get what she did. I…did it too."

"Fuck!" Kyle yelped. "YOU REALLY ARE AN ASS-FUCKER! Duu-uude!"

My face went red. "Shut up Kyle! I did it with some chick…the daughter of the retard who owns this place! Gawd, really Kyle!"

He chuckled. "Sorry. Gay jokes are fun."

"Some friend," I hissed out. My reply was silence.

"Sorry dude," Kyle sighed. "I know this must all suck for you. I'll do my best."

I smiled slightly. "Thanks man. See you soon…hopefully."

I snapped the phone shut and shoved it in my pocket before heading back to the activities. Somehow I needed the straight comfort of Jason. He was the only other guy who didn't give me a perverted look or tried to grope me when I walked by.

I headed into the next activity room, blinking when I stepped into a peculiar sight. A man was sitting at his desk with his tie stuffed in his mouth, eyes wide and nervous, his hands bound behind his back. His glasses were tilted and he looked scrawny and weak, but kind of like one of those guys girls love to protect and hold. Or so Wendy says.

Two boys were with him, one gently stroking his hair, the other behind him trying to unbutton his pants. The rest of the class sat in awe, eyes wide and jaw dropped, hard and drooling. I almost turned and left, but I felt bad for the poor guy so I walked up calmly, ignoring the stares that flickered to me.

"Really?" I asked. "Really, guys? Let the friggin teacher go."

The one stroking his head glared at me. "Why should we? He's so fucking cute. We just have to mess him up."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, you can, go ahead. But if you do," I clenched my fist and waved in threateningly. He looked unfazed.

"Not all gays are pussies," he sneered.

"CHYA! TTLY!" one of the boys in the audience cried, pumping his fist in the air in his pink Hello Kitty shirt—hey, Butters had the same one…

"Shut up Tyler," the boy snapped. The pink-boy pressed his lips together and slumped in his seat. I turned my attention to the other boy unbuttoning the poor, trembling teacher's pants and stepped forward when he went for his underwear.

I grabbed him by his hair and pulled him back, releasing him and allowed him to fly back and hit the wall painfully. He screamed and groaned in pain, sinking to the floor and passing out. Too easy.

I turned to the other boy, arms crossed. "Well? Want some too?"

He scrunched his nose up and pulled his hand away. "You know wha?" he leered at me. "You look tasty too."

I blinked. Not this again.

"If you so much as BREATHE near me, I swear I'll fucking rip your dick off."

He grinned. "Kinky."

"_SHUT THE HELL UP_!" I yelled, raising my fist and jumping toward him. He laughed and went all ninja and caught it, spinning me around and twisting my arm back, forcing my back to press against his chest. I withered in pain.

"Let me go, dickwad!" I shouted, struggling. He laughed again and I wanted to just friggin KILL him.

"No way, cutie," he snickered. "It's fun this way. We an all take turns guys," he said to the class. They looked up in shock but some just shook their heads in disappointment.

"OOOH ME FIRST!" some blonde yelled, waving his hand in excitement. "He looks yummehhh! Like Jared Leto!"

Um, what?

"Sure," he shrugged, his other hand pulling my hat off. He put it on his own head and stroked my head. My struggling increased. "But I wanna shot first."

"ZOMG I JUST JIZZED IN MY PANTS. D:" some French guy wailed, clutching his crotch. I twitched. What the hell were wrong with these people?

"Like I said, patient," he said coolly. "I'm gonna fuck this hot lil' bastard first."

"FUCK NO!" I roared, desperately lifting my foot and kicking him, but missed when he lifted his leg coolly and pulled my arm tighter. I howled in pain.

His hand moved to pull my pants and I clenched my teeth, growling as he fingered my underwear. I gave the awe-struck class a loathing 'after-this-I'm-gonna-fucking-kill-you-all' look. Some giggled, some looked away, some stared and some even drooled. Either way they obviously enjoyed this, little bastards.

Meanwhile that ass hole was sticking his hand in my pants as if it were natural. I yowled and growled and cursed, kicking and hitting and withering in sheer agony whenever he twisted my arm more.

He nuzzled the back of my head and…touched it. Yes, it. Fuck no. FUCK. NO. I let out a battle cry and jerked my head back, knocking him right in the face. He gasped and jumped back, hand jerking out of my pants to aid his throbbing face. I jumped away, clumsily groping for a hold to steady myself, my arm numb. I spun to him, growled again, and lunged.

I tackled him to the ground and punched him in the jaw, then again, then again. I hit his nose and chin and cheeks, finally stopping when I realized some of his blood got on my hat. I sniffed rudely, grabbing the hat and putting it on my head, calmly getting to my feet.

I kicked his limp body and walked over to the teacher, yanking the tie out of his mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGG—gurgle," he shrieked. I jumped, startled. "LITTLE—LITTLE CRAZY KIDS!" he wailed. "OH GOOOOOOD. MY WIFE IS GONNA KILL ME. SHE WON'T BELIEVE I WAS OVERPOWERED BY A BUNCH OF TEENAGER BOYS WHO TRIED TO FUCKING VIOLATE MEEEE. GAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

I covered my ears. "Dude. Shut the fuck up or I won't untie you."

His mouth snapped shut. I calmly untied him, stepping away when he jumped to his feet, knocking his chair down.

"YOU ALL!" he cried, pointing at the class. "DETENTION. NOW! NO HIKING TOMORROW AND NO….NO CAMP FIRE!"

"DEIHFUE#GFBUY!" the class wailed in agony. I fled, too confused and disturbed at what just happened to really get what the fuck was going on. Once I was free I looked at my unbuttoned pants, cursing when I realized that bastard had yanked my buttons off. Great. Now everyone saw my Terrance and Phillip underwear. I hurried to my cabin, my hand shielding my crotch area, slipping into the cabin when I made sure no counselors were out and about.

I shut the door and sighed heavily.

"…Stan?"

I screamed, spinning around to see Gregory giving me a weird look. He was slumped on his bed, doing home work. His eyes widened when he saw me.

"Stan…" his voice turned sultry.

"I…was just violated," I said in a cold voice. "Don't start."

He averted his eyes, cheeks red. I yanked jeans from my clothes stack and yanked my ripped ones off, shoving my new ones on before I calmly…well, not calmly. I stormed off, ignoring Gregory, who I assumed was drooling again.

I was surprised when I saw Delilah waiting for me. She smiled, eyeing me then waving me over. I hesitated but walked over, shoving my hands in my pockets before stopping in front of her.

"What?" I asked. Her eyebrow quirked.

"My dad wants to see you."

Shit.

"Something about you beating up Lerry…"

Double shit.

"He deserved it," she scoffed. "He keeps sexually harassing all the teachers."

Heh.

"Yeah," I said. "That's why I did it. He was doing that to the teacher…"

She giggled. "Not surprising. C'mon, I'll walk you there."

She offered her hand. I might have been over thinking, but for some reason when she did that, I thought in a way she was asking for something. I don't know what. A relationship? Answers? Maybe nothing. Maybe she just felt like holding my hand. Either way, I accepted her hand and felt comforted at the familiar, gentle warmth of a girl's hand.

It was then that I knew no mater what Wendy did, I wanted that whore back.

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**PS:** Hurhurhur.  
I told you. xD  
And omg. I love Mr. Bigfoot already. c:  
I mean, a British-Doctor-bigfoot? How awesome is that?  
Don't worry, he actually comes in later. c: lol.  
And yeaaahh. Lerry is a sexual predator. D:  
You gotta admit that scene was hawt. o; NAWNAWJKJK. xD  
btw, I'm aware Stan is WAAAAAAAAY out of character. He's not hotheaded.  
BUT IT'S FUNNER WHEN HE IS. RIGHT GUYS? :D  
So, ya. I know he's OOC. I intended him to be OOC. Just sayin'.  
SOYAH. :D  
_ANYWAY.  
_Review! :D

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	5. In which Stan is screwed over

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**WARNING:** This is crack, insane, random shit that makes no sense. It may cause internal bleeding, heart attacks, and seizures. The author is not responsible for any medical problems you may have while reading this.  
Thank you and enjoy. :D

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The thing I hated about getting in trouble was the feeling of dread when you were walking toward the principal office. Well, I guess this was different since his 'office' was the huge cabin Delilah and her dad stayed in.

She led me through the front door, leading me gently by my hand. I felt a bit weird, since this action was a bit intimate and I had no desire to be in a relationship with Delilah. Sex, sure, but I had Wendy.

She stopped and released my hand before sweeping it out; presenting a thick oak door that rested the left of the room in the hall when we entered. I followed her hand and blinked before sending her a weary look. She flipped her long hair and smirked.

"Don't worry, I put in a good word for yeh," she said, nudging me playfully before walking off. Well, that was one good thing about fucking the owner's daughter. You got a hand up. I took a breath and entered the room.

I was surprised, to say the least. It was a comfortable-looking office. It was small and quaint, a couple bookshelves and filing cabinets against the walls and pictures of an older man and Delilah, some of when she was little and some now. The desk rested near the window at the back of the room, and a man sat there. He had graying hair and solemn blue eyes, wrinkles creasing his forehead and the corners of his mouth. His eyes shot up to mine and waved me over.

I walked up to him and he pointed at a chair. I pulled it forward and sat down, silent. He eyed me then sighed, tapping his finger against the phone resting at the corner of his desk.

"Stanley Marsh," he said and I jumped. His voice was loud and sounded younger than his appearance. "You beat up a fellow camp member, isn't that right?"

I shrugged. "He was attacking a teacher, then me. It was self-defense."

He smiled. "I know."

My eyebrows rose. "You know?"

He stretched, sighing. "Stan," he began and turned to me. "Listen, I'm not some old clueless man who doesn't know what's happening in his own camp. You see, Delilah likes to wander and explore, so she tends to come back with some information. For example, you seem to have met Bob."

I tilted my head. "….Bob?"

"Ah, the Bigfoot," he waved his hand. "Nice fellow. Only few know his existence. Do you know how he came to be?"

I didn't say anything and the man continued.

"Well, years ago this camp used to be a hospital. In the hospital, a strange accident concerning medicine and odd experiments caused a man to grow hair and slowly change more…ape-like. Over the years, he bred, and soon a new kind of creature was created. But, though they look inhuman, they're really just people."

I sighed. This guy was boring, and I really didn't care. Anyway, why would I even care? I rubbed my neck, cracking it. He noticed this and chuckled.

"I haven't properly introduced myself," he extended his hand. "Call me Mister Hill."

I stared at his hand blankly. "I'm not gay."

His hand pulled back. "What?"

I blinked at him dully. "I told you. It was a mistake. I'm straight."

He eyed me wearily. "That's not what I heard from my daughter."

I felt my throat tighten. "Excuse me?"

He shrugged. "She told me she heard you and Jake…doing things."

I felt rage make my chest tighten. I decided to confront her later. Instead, I kept my calm composure and only stared at him dully, showing my defiance. He leaned forward, folding his hands and putting his chin over them, eyebrows quirking.

"You know Stanley," he said lowly, "once people come to this camp, they never leave until they become straight. No gay boy leaves the same."

I winced. "Um. Okay?"

"I'll change you too," he whispered and leaned back. "Well!" he laughed. "I'll let you off the hook for now, but if it happens again I'll have to punish you."

I grimaced. "Uh, okay, bye," I stood and hurried out, halfway out the door when he stopped me by calling my name.

"What?" I turned.

His eyes watched mine calmly. "Good luck out there."

"Eh?" I gave him a rude look before slamming the door behind me and heading outside. I was surprised at how easily I found Delilah; she was sitting near the lake I saw driving here, her bare feet dipped in the way, head tilted slightly toward the sky. I couldn't help admire how beautiful she was, but I shook it off and stalked toward her. She perked up when she saw me.

"Stan," she greeted as I flopped next to her. "How was it?"

I glared at her. "You lied about me and Jake."

She blinked. "Oh…" she looked away. "That. Er, well, I'm sorry. I knew if I told dad you were straight…I'd lose the bit of sanity keeping me sane."

I blinked. She smiled bitterly.

"He-llo? I spend all day with a bunch of gay guys. A couple straight guys keep my head on. And…well….I really like you," she sighed. "You're so…fucking….hot…."

I couldn't help but snort. "Wow."

"Un," she mumbled, looking away. "Sorry."

"It's okay," I said. "Just let him know so I can go home."

She looked at me. "Who said I was doing that?"

I narrowed my eyes. "What?"

"Well," she leaned close, minty breath hitting my lips. Her eyes were drooped slightly, expression seductive. "Stanley, I can't let you run off back to your girlfriend, can I?"

I blinked, startled. "Huh?"

"Stan," she ran her hand up my arm, tangling in my hair, my hat slipping against her hand slightly. She brushed her nose against mine and she whispered her words. "I won't let you run off. You're mine now."

Did crazy run in her family?

Her lips pressed on mine, hands gripping my hair. I pulled away but she followed, tongue flicking at my lips and her moans beautiful as she tried to press up to me. I pushed her away, leaping to my feet.

"Delilah," I panted. "Stop."

"But," she reached out and stroked my erection. "You look like you're enjoying it."

I shivered but stomped back from her, eyes flaming. "Stop it! I mean it. That was one time, okay? I was pissed. It meant nothing."

She giggled. "Oh but Stan, it meant everything."

I clenched my fists. "You…crazy bitch."

She frowned. "That's not very nice."

I turned and stormed off, ignoring her moans and groans as she called me in exasperation, as if annoyed at my anger. Which, well, she was. I ended up back at my cabin grumbling about it, slamming the door shut. Gregory perked up when he saw me and grinned.

"Ei, Stan," he greeted. I mumbled my hello and flopped on my bed.

"I heard about your…ah….dispute."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, I didn't get in trouble. I'm not going to the camp fire tonight."

Gregory gasped. "NH!? You hafta! It's fun, really!"

"Says the gay guy," I sneered. He fell silent. I felt kind of bad so I added, "I might go."

"Okay," he said happily. "I promise, its fun. We make marshmallows and tell stories, and do things to…er, help."

I groaned, rubbing my temple. "Okay, okay, I get it."

He jumped off the top bunk and pat my knee. "I'm off then. Bye."

I watched him leave and sighed, adjusting my hat as I sat up and slid off the bed, taking a shower before I headed to find Jason. It took a bit, but I eventually found him and Ken hanging out near where the camp fire was going to be. Er, bomb fire, whatever. Camp fire was easier to say.

"Hey," I plodded up to them. Jason smiled and waved and Ken "GAH!"ed but waved back. He huddled close to Jason, who pat his head fondly as I stopped in front of them.

"Man," I said. "I really don't think I'm gonna come to this gay thing."

Jason shrugged. "Eh, it's better then staying in the cabin with your gay roommate."

I laughed. "True," I agreed. "Well, anyway, wanna do something else? Explore in the woods so no one can find us?"

"AAAH!" Ken screamed.

"Sure," Jason said, grabbing Ken by his hood. He led him off, following behind me. We walked into the woods in silence, minus Ken's loud noises and twitches followed by random thoughts he said popped into his head about naked guy.

Um, yeah, gross.

"Well," I said once we were far enough not to be seen but close enough not to get lost. "Wanna just…chill?"

"Sure," Jason flopped on a fallen log and I sat on a patch of grass in front of a tree. Ken sat next to Jason mumbling something and tugging at the strings of his jacket, biting his lip. I sighed, easing against the tree and folding my arms.

We all fell silent.

"STANNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

Of course. Right when I got comfortable Bigfoot—er, Bob, comes pounding toward us. Jason's eyes bugged out of his head and Ken screeched inhumanly, gripping his cheeks and jumping back, nearly falling over. He clung to Jason, sputtering in horror. Jason pointed as Bob stopped in front of us.

"IOWBUVBEH!" he wailed. I lifted my hand.

"Uh, hey Bob," I said awkwardly. "What's…up?"

"Well," he rambled, waving his large hand. "The 24 hour flu is gone and my familys better. Also, no one disturbed them on the hike."

I blinked. It already happened? Er, wasn't that tomorrow? I guess they moved it. I shrugged it off and blinked at him.

"Urh, good for you?"

"And who are your friends?" Bob turned and Jason gaped like a fish.

"That's Ken and Jason," I said. "Uh, guys, this is Bob."

"GAHHH! OMIGAWD IT'S A MONSTER. IT'S GONNA EAT US AND LICK OUR BONES CLEAN THEN DONATE OUR ORGANS TO ALIENS AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH MY HEART BEATING IN THEM AND THE APOCOLYPSE WILL COME AND GOD WILL GET SO PISSED HE—"

Jason calmly stuck the tranquilizer stick in Ken's leg and the boy drooled and moaned, slumping against Jason, who tossed the empty stick and turned to Bob, who looked perturbed. I ignored them, somewhat used to this exchange.

"Anyway," I said coolly. "We better go. This was a weird idea anyway. I forgot Bob would come and bother me."

He huffed. "Well, sorry for being friendly."

I didn't answer as I led Jason back to the camp grounds. He carried Ken, who was giggling and drooling and trying to take off Jason's shirt. I parted with them, suddenly exhausted, and headed to my room. Too much happened in one day and it was pissing me off. I jumped when my cell phone rang and picked it up as I flopped on my bed, snuggling under the covers and yawning before saying hello.

"Stan," Kyle's voice greeted.

"Hey," I said. "What's up?"

He cleared his throat. "Nothing. I talked to Wendy. She seems to be toning it down a bit. She…seems to miss you."

"Of course she does," I said smugly.

"Anyway," Kyle said, "everyone at school is talking shit about you."

"Gee thanks Kyle, just what I like to hear."

"Sorry man, thought you'd wanna be prepared when you come back."

"Hmm," I said. "Well I'm tired. Call me tomorrow."

"Kay," he said and hung up hastily. I hung up and put my phone on the floor before turning in my bed, somewhat pissed. I mumbled something I never thought I'd say in my life;

"Man, I can't wait 'till summers over."

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**A/N:** well, that sucked.  
Sorry, I got writers block. xD  
Well, i'm off to see Death Note Live Action Movie with my friends~  
They're playing the movie two days only at my local theatre.  
REVIEW! D:

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